Mummy Guilt
12:17:00 AM'Oh man, why does he needs to be sick at this time. Gosh '
Familiar with this situation? I know you can relate to me. I've never understand why mothers has to take long leave or why they have to work from home. Sometimes I feel unfair for singles like me who has to wake up super early, get dress and drive to work. But.........it was way before I had #babyjedi and even way before I got married.
The situation is different now.
I took 3 days leave early this week and 2 days of 'work from home'. Sounds sheok kan? But the truth is, the moment you 'work from home' it also means that the housework is also waiting for you too. You can't pretend the laundry is not there when you can actually see them. You just have to do it. Right?
'Your work is taking over you'. That was the first time Juan said those words to me this afternoon. He actually has a point. Ever since I had to take over my colleague's extra work 4 months ago, I started to realize that my work has become part of me. As if, the day is not complete if I don't check my mail. Sometimes I worked through the night as well without realizing the clock has struck midnight, at time way past 2 am.
Don't get me wrong, I love my job but I still believe in work life balance. Sometimes you feel so bad having to leave your sick child behind. In my case, I'm very lucky to have a job that enables me to work from the comfort of my home while watching over my baby. However, when you work remotely, be prepared that you will not be able to complete your task on time. The reason why sometimes, I have to continue my work after #babyjedi goes to bed and he sleeps quite early.
Having to care for a sick child for the past few days made me realize that I was putting my work first before him. At times, he wanted to be carried by me but I had to ignore and get Juan to do it. I feel really bad but if I don't get my work done, I will never be able to rest properly or spend time with my family. I have never believe in having to work on weekends but for the past 4 months, I actually switched on my laptop even on Sunday.
I teared up a little few days back when I saw #babyjedi was not his usual self. He was so weak that he could't even smile. It made me feel so sad to see him in this state. It was at that moment I just wish that I could put my work away and just give my full attention to him but I couldn't. I just can't. But I tried my best to care for him when he was sick.
Life is never perfect and WILL never be perfect but at least we try to make life more interesting. I work for myself and after studying so hard for soooo many years, I want to make sure that my degree is worth while and to give back to my parents, first and foremost. Apart from that, it's satisfying to earn your own hard earn money and reward yourself once in awhile.
But after having #babyjedi, I want to give the best I could for his future. I hope that he understands why his mummy has to work hard. Life is never easy but I believe that God will always be there to guide and help His servant. There are tough times but believe that they're just temporary....
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