It wasn't till 3 years ago that I had this mix feeling. Between doing what I thought was right and doing what is right in Islam, my religion. I wanted to know what it meant to cover my crown in Islam, so besides from watching YouTube about hijrah, I ask friends who had gone through this path.
The road towards what and how I am today is a long and winding road. I was struggling half way through. Not struggling with society expectations but within myself. It was one night, I just sat on the sajadah after my prayers and wondering what are the things that could change if I were to proceed with the change. Effects in this context means, circle of friends, society's perception and judgement, my lifestyle, my behaviour, the way I bring myself in public, how I represent my religion after it has been tarnished by the perception that Islam represents terrorism.
I assumed that covering my head means doing what the Quran instructed us to do but now I realise that it doesn't stop there. Wearing the hijab also means you practise the good values of what the Quran had taught us. It comes hand in hand. Physically and spiritually. It's about having balance.
Although my family comes from a mix-ethnic background, it was never a problem or issue because the whole cousins, uncles and aunties has been implanted with living harmoniously under one roof. since my grandmother and grandfather were still around.
I come from a background where most of my friends were non-Muslim and grew up in a majority Chinese community but they accepted our faith and our practice long ago. They understands.
Some friends asked me on why do I choose to cover my head which I believe some of us might experienced it too. It was not a question that I couldn't answer, but somehow I do not know how. So I gave the easiest reason 'I choose to' or 'It's the right time'.
I knew that by making this change, there is a possibility that I might lose some friends. I doubt at first. Soon, I realize that I'm doing this for Him not for society. But I see it in a positive stand point. The real friends who embrace the definition of 'Accepting your friends as who they're not by what their physical form looks like', will be there before, during and after the change. For me, friendship is not define by the color of your skin, which religion or race you practise, or being judgemental, it's about being sincere, honest, and appreciative. So this is part of the experiment in knowing who my friends really are.
The feeling was awkward after many years of not putting a piece of cloth on my head but with God's grace, alhamdulillah I believe I started to accept and enjoying it. It makes me feel.....safe. Going through a rebellious teenage years make me wonder if I were to make this change earlier than now, how things would turn out.
As I grow older wiser, my thought was to strive for good things, worldly and also the after-life. It was not about the money anymore. Somehow the emptiness remains there as a hole even though material wise, they're sufficient. It was more towards striving for balance in leading my life as a Muslim. A more meaningful one. Not just doing the 8 to 5 thing.
Although some may question my decision (expected), well, it was a choice made by myself in making sure that I'm not just a Muslim, by name. Instead a Muslim as a whole.
Jumpsuit from Sally Fashion online, kimono cardigan from Zalora
